shaz's lair

Cast
 (in the order of appearance)

Waffles the Dog

Ellie the human 

Benny the Gerbil

Jones the Cat

Ellie’s parents and friends, who are also human. 

Mr. Glup the Goldfish

From listener supported WNYC studios, it’s This Podcast has Fleas!

Episode 1: Sleepover

Waffles

Hello? Hello, hello, hello? WOW! I can hear my voice through the headphones! (barks) Hah! That’s neat. (barks again) Love that. 

Hi everybody! I’m Waffles, this is Dog Talk, a podcast by a dog. (munches) Sorry, can’t help chewing the microphone. I should stop that.    

Anyway, first episode today -so excited- I’m going to interview a gerbil and review a new squeaky toy (squeaks and gasps) and big news: later on, there’s a sleepover happening in the house and we’re going to stop in on that. But first, a segment I call ‘Rolling On My Back On The Rug, Because It’s Soft’. 

(stops speaking and rolls enthusiastically on her back on the rug)

Oooh. I hope you’re enjoying the segment as much as I am. Oooh yeah, that’s the stuff! Ah- 

(something falls down and the microphone makes a squeaky noise) 

Alright, and we are on the move. Heading downstair to talk to my friend Benny, the gerbil and find out why he likes me better than the cat who lives here. 

(toilet flushing)

Ellie

Hi Waffles. 

(Waffles pants for a while, stops and resumes to the podcast)

Waffles

That was Ellie,  she is having the sleepover party later. Fun fact: She’s the one who named me ‘Waffles’, and she also loves me more than the cat. Continuing. 

Here we are at the gerbil cage and Benny is running on his wheel. Benny, you’re on podcast. Say hello.

Benny

(panting) What’s a podcast? 

Waffles

That’s…not important. Uh, now Benny, could you tell our listeners why exactly you like me more than the cat? 

Benny

Oh Waffles, you know I stay out of this. I like you both the same. 

Waffles

But you like me more the same, right?

Benny

Oh god, Waffles. Not when I’m doing my cardio. 

(a soft sound)

Jones  

Meow.

Waffles 

Oh boy. 

Jones

Hey, Blueberry Pancakes.

Waffles

My name is Waffles. Wait, Jones. Why do you have a microphone?  

Jones

I don’t know. Why do YOU have a microphone? 

Waffles

I’m doing a podcast. And, I asked you first. 

Jones.

Ha, ha! Small world. Catch ya later, Cinnamon Scone! (meows and leaves)

Waffles

(calls after Jones) It’s ‘Waffles’! Just saying. Wait, Benny, I think Jones might be doing a podcast too! 

Benny

(still running and panting) What’s a podcast again? 

Waffles

Arrgh.. he stole my idea! That cat stole my idea! We gotta go see what he’s up to. We’re on the move, buddy. Here, get in your plastic gerbil ball.

Benny

I gotta do my packs and then my abs, and…

Waffles

BENNY! Get in the ball! (pitiful  voice) Please?

(Benny gets into the gerbil ball. He’s still running and panting, but this time he’s inside a small plastic ball)

Waffles

Folks, we are running through the kitchen and away to the mudroom to find the cat. Benny, look out. 

Benny

Oh! (bumps into something) I’m so nauseous.

Waffles

(speaks through her teeth) Come on! This way! And don’t bump into mom and 

dad.

Mom 

Honey? Honey, did you put the gerbil in the ball?

Dad

Eh, no. Must have been Zack. 

Zack

I didn’t do it.  

Dad

Hmm. That’s weird.

3.08

Waffles

(pants) Alright, we have arrived at the mudroom, I’m gonna crack open the door. 

(Waffles slowly opens the door to the mudroom)

Jones 

Testing, one two three, one two three…

Waffles

(gasps) Why, listners, the cat is sitting in his litterbox, he has a microphone and headphones and a big electronic thingy with a lot of buttons on it! He IS doing a podcast! Well, ha-ha! I don’t care. Sure it won’t be any good. 

(sudden burst of electronic sound effect)

LIVE! From the Litterbox. 

Live from the Litterbox.

Live from the Litterbox.

Jones 

Cat lovers, THIS is Live from the Litterbox, and I am Jones the cat, coming at you with a show so hot (vocoder) ‘It just might explode-‘ (explosion sound effect)

(Meow) 

Last episode was pretty hot too. Just saw the numbers. 2 million listeners- Oh wait, I had a paw over that ‘1’. That’s 12 million listeners, call in the fire department (pushes a button, fire enging siren sound effect) because (sings) ‘This show’s on fire!’ (pushes the button again) Thanks to all you cat lovers who downloaded my hit new single featured in last week’s episode. Let’s hear a little bit of it now. 

<Cats>

Cats! 

Are totally perfect 

are totally worthy 

of maxium respect (respect)

Who always lands on their feet, (cats)

who invented the nap (cats)

who sometimes has bonus toes 

 Meow-ow-ow-ooooh

What about dogs? (what about’em?)

What about dogs? (what about’em?)

Waffles

Alright, alright, stop the show. 

Jones

Whoo- looks like we have some guest in the studio. 

Waffles

It’s not a studio, Jones. You’re sitting in a litterbox. And you stole my idea. 

Jones

Sorry, but I’ve been rockin’ this show for like nine lives already. The only thing I stole is the heart of my listners (pushes a button, a crowd making ‘awww’ noise) 

Benny

Oooh! How do you make all those neat sounds, Jones? 

Jones

I got a lotta buttons, Benjamin. Like this one (pushes one, which makes a cartoonish sound effect) 

Benny

Classic. 

Jones

Pull up a seat, guys. We got a great show today.  I’m gonna leap off some high stuff, cough up a hairball I’ve been workin’ on (coughs), and then we’ll pop in on that sleepover party. Plus, my exclusive interview with Benny the gerbil (pushes a button, crowd clapping and cheering) 

Waffles

Wait, Benny, you’re doing an interview with him?

Benny

Hmm? I totally forgot I signed up for that. 

Jones

All that and more coming up, but first, let’s hear more of that sweet, sweet song. 

(Jones pushes the button and the song resumes)

(cats)

who invented the nap (cats)

who sometimes has bonus toes 

What about dogs? (what about’em?)

What about dogs? (what about’em?)

Well nobody expects that much so it’s okay.

5.41

Waffles

Hi folks, Waffles here and we are back with ‘Dog Talk’, Benny is done with his interview with the cat. Benedict Arnold, how did it go?

Benny

Oh what an interviewer he is; sensitive, insightful, compassionate…

Waffles

Oh alright, that’s enough, Benny, we get it! Anyway, listeners, I was not so impressed with his show. Sure, he has sound effects and music. Well, I can make my voice sound all cool if I talk through this fan. 

(turns on the electric fan and speaks into it) Helloooo, I’m coooool.

Plus, I just made up a Dog Talk theme song (clears throat) 

(playing a simple melody with a xylophone, she sings)

‘Bein’ a dog and talkin’ about it, Dog Talk!’

Nailed it! Okay, let’s talk about tonight’s big sleepover, shall we? Now, for a dog, the sleepover has good stuff and bad stuff. The good stuff is really good: Belly rubs, pretzel crumbs, that sort of thing. But the BEST part at every sleepover party, there is a Hu-UGE bowl of popcorn. Am I right, Benny?

Benny

Oh yeah. A lot of popcorn. I’d say ‘Too much for a gerbil but not enough for a bear’. 

Waffles

And how great would it be, if my very first podcast ended with my doggy face in a big bowl of popcorn?

Benny 

That would be very good radio. 

Waffles

And now, on to the bad stuff. (shudders) So, sadly, kids that go to sleepover parties like to dress up animals and the last four sleepovers have ended with me, Waffles, wearing a sweater. I actually have a picture of the last sleepover. Benny, would you please describe it to our listeners? 

Benny

I’d say four by six inches, glossy finish-

Waffles

(cuts in) Okay, thank you Benny. Anyway, it’s me in a sweater looking sad. And so, tonight’s goal is to get popcorn, and avoid sweater. 

Benny

Oooh, I’ll say it into the fan (turns on the electric fan) ‘Get popcorn, avoid sweater!’

Aaaand we’re back! 

Back in the litterbox.

Jones

Hey hey, cat lovers. I’m jumpin’ off of stuff, landin’ on my feet, because I am

 ‘so pumped for the sleepover tonight!’

But a short pause, who wants to hear me climb up some window treatment? Everybody? Oh great!

 (Jones walks on something and with a screechy meow, falls on the floor)

Bad idea. Anyway, wanna know why I’m so pumped? The answer is in this closet. (opens the closet) Because I’m a cat, the mom and dad humans that live here always give me balls of yarn to play with. But I don’t play with them. No no no no no no. I knit with them. And inside this basket is what I’ve been knitting all year long. 

(Angel singing sound) Yes, that was a sound of angels singing. Because it is so beautiful: A dog-sized sweater, with a hole for a tale, and fourty-five pompoms and fifty-five bells. (jingles bells) And it’s the very sweater that those girls at the sleepover will put on Everything Bagles tonight. It’s not done yet, but I have crazy ninja knitting skills which I plan to use right now. Whoa- knit! Curl! Knit! Curl! (slashes knitting needles like swords) Alright, cat lovers. We’ll be back right after this ‘We’ll be right back’ song. 

After these human messages : We’ll be right back!

9.00

(Simple melody) We’re back! 

Waffles

And that’s why I think the squeaky squirrel (squeaks) is far superior to the squeaky turkey burger. (squeaks) Now, next week, we’ll look at some different ropes that you can chew. And how to get the little stringy parts out of your teeth. 

Benny

Oh, I will definitely be tuning in for that. 

Waffles

Okay, so, still waiting on the sleepover to start. Benny, what time is it?

Benny

I don’t wear a watch, Waffles. My wrists are too small?

(Doorbell rights)

Waffles

Agh! That’s the door! It’s go time! Also, I am a dog, so I am biologically required to do this. (Barks and runs to the door. Door opens and Ellie greets her friends.)

Okay, I’m here by the front door. We have a bunch of sleepover guests arriving. 

Benny

I think it might have been some kind of carpool situation. 

Waffles

There’s Maya Williams, she’s a solid belly rubber. Nice. And that’s Angeli Xia, a total klutz with the pretzels; always a plus. 

(somebody says ‘Hi, Ellie!’ and Ellie’s mom greets her back)

Ellie’s Mom

Ursula! Oh Pam, I had no idea. 

Waffles

Ugh..oh no! Jamie Procter Perkins brought her little sister Ursula. (moans) This is bad. Ursula’s an ear puller and sometimes tail grabber. Ugh, this is going to be harder than I’d thought. 

Ellie’s Mom

Ellie, you wanna take them upstairs?

(Sound of children going up the stairs)

Waffles

Alright, let’s get up to the room, get a good position, get the popcorn, and get out. 

We’re baaaack, 

Back in the litterbox

Jones

Cat lovers, I can’t believe what I just saw with my own two eyes: Ursula Procter Perkins is here! (presses a button. sound of applause) I didn’t think getting the dog in the sweater would be THIS easy! Oh it’s gonna be beautiful. Wait a minute, (whispers) I think I hear those angels singin’ again. Cue to angels!

Angel voices (a cappella)

The dog will wear the sweater tonight!

(Dog Talk theme song- We’re back!)

Waffles

Alright, folks. I’m heading in to the sleepover now, wish me luck. I promised Benny four kernels of popcorn if he can take over the podcast and tell you everything he sees. Take it away, Benny!

Benny

Okay, I see sleeping bags, pretzels and a boardgame. There’s a movie on. Oooh, I think it’s the one where Lindsay Lohan plays twins! Classic. 

(as though he’s broadcasting a sports game) Waffles is lying patiently on her belly, here comes Maya Williams, leans in and pats Waffles on the head. Waffles flips over under her back and there goes Williams! Workin’ with the left hand, she rubs the dog’s belly. Folks! The Belly Rub has happened! Really well played by Waffles. Now for a slow motion replay: B-e-l-l-y-ruuub-! And back to the action. Uh-oh,

Ursula

Waffles-

Benny

(lowers voice) here comes Ursula.

Ursula

Come here, you doggy

Benny

Waffles drives them away but Ursula gets her hand on her back and now she’s got  the ear! She gives the ear a pull with the left hand and now grabs the tail with her right!

Ursula 

I can make you look pretty.

Benny 

Wait, is that…a hair drier? (sound of hair drier) I think Ursula may be trying to style the dog’s hair! Waffles is about to make a break for it but HERE COMES THE POPCORN! 

Ellie’s mom

Hey girls, who wants some popcorn?

(all children scream ‘me!’)

Benny

Wait, what’s this? (gasps) Uh-oh. It looks like Waffles is about to jump for the bowl! 

(Waffles growls and there is a noise of something falling on the ground, children screaming)

Ellie’s mom

Waffles, No! Bad dog!

(Waffles’ whining and soon a sound of door slamming)

Waffles

Ugh. Now I am in mom and dad’s bedroom, otherwise known as ‘doggy prison’! As we speak, a new batch of popcorn is being made and I’m trapped. This is literal garbage. I’m going to cut the mike and think my next move. 

12.40